Success

I'm addicted to success.  Those who know me may or may not believe me, but I think that's only because I hide it well.  I have dreams for a future that I think are necessary for my happiness.  One of the things I consistently struggle with is how to reconcile my aspirations with a life fully surrendered to God.  Can I have dreams? Or are are personal aspirations by nature contradictory to a life surrendered to God?

A life fully surrendered to God is what I'm ultimately after.  I want to be able to honestly say that my only concern is Christ and pleasing him, but if  I'm honest, that's not where I am.  Let me explain that the life surrendered to God is not at all incompatible with happiness.  In fact, my reading and experience tells me that the most worthwhile life is one that seeks God.  At the same time, I wonder to what degree my dreams hinder my availability as a servant in God's kingdom.  I have not given this too much thought, but it seems reasonable that dreams follow many of the same principles as other elements of our natural life.  That is, dreams are morally good or bad insofar as they are brought under the Lordship of Jesus Christ.  I am of the belief that Jesus does not need to be my first priority (that is, one of many priorities), but he must be the Lord over all my priorities.  With that understanding, every pursuit in my life ought to be directed by Christ and done for the purpose of bringing him honor and glory.

As wonderful as this sounds, It's a work in progress.  My life cannot be characteristically described as surrendered to Christ, but I suppose that's a fact of the human condition.  I've had a lot of dreams that were all about me.

For example, I always wanted to be a Major League Baseball player.  I played for years growing up.  Some of my first memories are of my playing baseball with my brother in the backyard.  That was my first dream.

Next, I decided I was going to be a rock star.  I was about 13 years old at this point, and I had become a Christian a couple years earlier.  So I thought "I've got to do something Christian."  So I was going to be a Christian rock star.  Of course, this was a mere sprinkling of Holy Water on my secular dreams in an attempt to make them "Christian."  It was silly and shallow, but God used that time in my life to grow me.  That was my second dream.

Then one day I realized I wasn't very good at music.  So I decided I'd be an architect.  I loved playing with LEGOs (still do) and I was good at math, not to mention the draw of a 6 figure salary.  Again, I was a Christian, so I thought "I'll build churches."  God wouldn't give me a break.  That was my third dream.

Finally, the summer after my sophomore year, I got tired of dreaming dreams that my conscience gagged at.  God was working on my heart, pulling me closer to himself.  I had a few really great people pouring into my life and they all played a part in God's plan.  That summer, I surrendered my life to Christ, telling him I would do whatever he wanted me to.  That has gradually filled out into a call to the ministry, which I am so excited about.  God put in me the desire to spend my life glorifying him.  This is my last dream.

Now obviously the story doesn't end there.  I lose sight of that dream.  I drift from a life devoted to God.  I am still growing, and I am often faithless, leaving God for something that feels more reliable or tangible.  As is his way, God shows me my sin and leads me to repentance.  He's shown me some dreams and hopes that I have for my future, which have usurped the control he has over my heart and have become idols.

One of those is my dream of a family.  Since my future in the ministry kind of destroys any dreams I might have of wealth, a family is one of the ways I could measure personal success. My family has been great and I find that a major marker of success in my life is a beautiful family.  Families are wonderful, but they are not the zenith, the end, the highest point of human achievement.  My thought has been "If only I can find the right girl, we will have a beautiful family, AND THEN I will be successful."  I will matter.

God has shown me that the point of the family is to glorify God.  So my desire for any sort of success is only right insofar as it is brought under the Lordship of Christ.   Nevertheless I still dream.  I'm prone to wander.  I'm prone to leave the God I love.  My life is a struggle of remembering that every dream I have must fall under the bigger, final dream of bringing glory to God.